No. 10

FRIENDS WITH EX BOYFRIENDS 

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WOW. I love this question. I love the timing of this question. The universe is absolutely amazing.

“Have you found it to be difficult, or fairly easy to stay friends with your ex? And are you able to still be friends while dating other people, without getting jealous, or wanting to get back together?” 

I’m going to dive into this. Here we go. 

Boyfriends. I don’t have one at the moment. I have about half a dozen ex-boyfriends (I’m just rounding — who knows if it’s up or down). And I have a very different way of looking at my past loves today then I did before my life coaching program.

Okay, so, boys. Umm… I think boys are awesome. I grew up (still am) very close to my dad and brother, and all 25 of my brother’s best friends that practically lived at our house. They’re a completely different species from us. We are two totally different animals designed oppositely, biologically speaking. Yin and Yang. Men and women are thought of as being whole when put together, but whenever two individual organisms merge into one there is a complicated combination that occurs. 

Relationships. Are. Complicated. My best friend is a sex and relationship coach (Whitney Ullom, plugging you again!). To me this shit is the most fascinating of topics. Whitney and I actually spent three hours talking about relationships over lunch yesterday, and we were just hitting the tip of the iceberg. 

Like I said, I’m single at the moment, so I am thrilled to talk about this subject today, since I don’t feel like it’s so easy to do when you’re in a partnership. Interesting fact. Take note; for me at least. 

Protection. Relationships are so beautiful and they are a sense of protection. They’re glorious. Ugh, like, please tell me what’s better than falling in love?! NOTHING. You can’t say, “Better Than Sex Cake,” that’s not cool. It’s that energy! And the energy gets even crazier when you’re apart {INSERT YOUR VISUAL HERE}. The mystery of chemistry transmutes into magic as you’re pining vibrations inspire creativity, and all of your senses go into hyperdrive; it creates a space of presence that's a superpower, because you’re senses are heightened in attracting a new partner. We’re animals, it's nature. But as you get comfortable under the willow tree together, the tornado touches down asking you to go deep, deep, deep into yourself. Some of us aren’t willing to go there. And that’s okay. You must be whole when you come into a holy union, or else the tornado will take you down. I'll go deeper into that in a moment... 

My friend, coming back to answer your question now. I find it very difficult to stay friends with my ex-men, but the friendship will always be there. It’ll always be easy in some respect, because we know each other, we shaped each other. Here’s a quote that kills me a little bit in a good way. 

“How do you go back to being strangers after someone has seen your soul; but isn’t it funny that the only person who could feel an ocean away is someone who was close enough once to feel your breath.” — Kendall Hanna

I texted an ex’s mom on Mother’s Day last weekend. I guess it’s obvious that he and I are still friends if I voluntarily texted his mother that she’s awesome and did a great job. Another ex is the kind of person I can meet up with for coffee (once a year) and fully enjoy myself over a cappuccino, feeling very grounded after. Grounded in gratitude. Grounded in gratitude for being my best friend for a really long time. A lot of other ex-men I smile back on fondly. We taught each other massive amounts of soul-growth lessons that we either won or failed, but losing those games resulted in a consolation prize that has proven to be highly valuable in my retrospective rearview. Sunsests. Thank you for loving me. 

Which brings me to this... it could go either way. Seriously, I could JUST AS EASILY choose something else. Some other emotion, thought pattern, behavior, reality. I could make it really hard. But I don’t. I choose to think of it as easy. I want to respect and honor those wonderful souls I was drawn to, labeling them as friends instead of foes. I want all the best for you, men. Thank you. Namaste. 

BUT. I can’t be friends with them in the form of: hanging out in all our free time, calling him the second I’m insecure, or triggered by an upset. NO. I’m working on cultivating the friendship from a distance. Distance and space are vital for healing those hearts that got interconnected. You must become whole again. Healing takes time. Healing, to me, is loving oneself through the integration of polarities in our personalities; being able to give yourself everything you need — I saw that on a t-shirt at the airport last weekend. I highfived the qt wearing it. 

And to answer the last part of your question more specifically, “Can you stay friends without getting jealous, or wanting to get back together?” 

That’s what I’m talking about. You have to have space when you’re apart. You know what I mean? I think, once enough time and space has passed, and you're feeling protected in your own self-loving, then you can absolutely be friends. Get a beer once a month, touch base, send them a song, whatever. But you must first honor the distance.

Also, it's vital to set BOUNDARIES! You must know what’s healthy, and what’s not; what’s appropriate and what’s not. Know when you’re reaching out to fill a void in yourself, and when you’re reaching out to say hey, “I’m thankful I know you. This reminded me of you. Good times. Good life. Good luck.” 

If you aren’t together, then you broke up for a reason. There's a side of yourself that's begging to be seen, and healed, so it can be whole. Because when you’re whole, holy shit it’s so fucking great. Then true love can come, the kind that enhances you versus creating a codependency.  Codependency creates a cycle of a cyclone in the mind. It's not good.

Just say to yourself, and your ex-man, no hard feelings it didn’t work out. I’ll be on the lookout to have your back for the rest of time. Remember the fun times. The good times. Please only see the silver linings that came from it all. Now let go. Time to put your hand on your heart and ask how you can give to it. Keep moving forward. Blessings will flow. 

 

Adios, 

Alli Caudle 

Life Coach II Los Angeles, CA